On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
