well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So squirting runs in the family.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
