Pappa wants mamma naked
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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