I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
