i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
