shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My boob is missing a layer of skin
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
