Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
