If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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