I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
