Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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