This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
