I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
