So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
