Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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