theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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