Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
