Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
