What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
