i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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