My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
