I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
