I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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