Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
