Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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