i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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