I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
