when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is Oprah even human
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
