I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
