Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
