Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
