i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
