there was a trapeze. enough said
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
