her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
