Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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