i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
