if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
