i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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