I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When are your genitals available?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
