I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's shark week go big or go home
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
