I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
