i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Me too!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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