Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize