Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
