she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
