Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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