I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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