It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
