I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
