Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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