I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
