my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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