I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
