remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
