I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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