she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
