i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i've created a new STD.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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