I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
