He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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