I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize