just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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