i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize