her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
