I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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