A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
